


i want somebody to have (just to know how it feels)

by fromthefire



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, Unrequited Love, song: someone you loved (lewis capaldi)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22895032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefire/pseuds/fromthefire
Summary: He was tired of falling in love and out of it at the same time.
Kudos: 6





	i want somebody to have (just to know how it feels)

The weak rays of the virgin sun struggled through the curtains but still illuminated the liquor bottles littered across the dark room. Most of all, they shone upon the unconscious body that curled into itself. The inside of his eyelid began to heat allowing Shawn to stir awake, immediately retching on the other side of him. It was disgusting and humiliating, but it was him and it wasn't something he could just heave away and be done with. He sat up, his nose crinkling and eyes watering. For a moment, he basked in the moment, trying to decipher when he'd allow himself to fall this far. Shaky hands woke to hurriedly clear them from his sight. The blackout was never the worst for him but the hangover and every thought that came with it. Blurry eyes threw them to the trash or at least close enough. When the reminders were cleared, equally shaky knees buckled and the boy met his kitchen floor. He pounded so many drinks to forget that damned name but only forgot his own.  
From the first day their souls intertwined, Shawn always hoped the world would let them stay that way. He never could afford to hope for much for at all, but when it came to Cory; hoping is all Shawn did. He had never been one for basking in his emotions or acknowledge them but he still constantly found himself doing that exact damned thing. He's tried to stop the tears, he's tried to hide the red on his cheeks, and even the rapid beating inside of him.  
At the same time, he tried to control his longing gazes, soft chuckles, and of course, that impulse that comes from nowhere when Cory leans a bit too close.  
Every other lie that did not pertain to Cory was much easier to pull off. He could lie about the finger-shaped bruises around his neck and the smell on his breath but why was he staring at Cory a little too long? Or their hugs lasting longer than usual? He'd have to fight that lump in his throat to answer that one. These unintentional lies were just that; unintentional but completely necessary.  
He was tired of it. He was tired of falling in love and out of it at the same time. His entire life, he's only loved lying. On the other hand, he hadn't even loved doing it, he was just good at it. He figured he wasn't succeeding at anything else, so here he was. He wasn't always great but he was when he needed to be and he always needed to be.  
Years of plaguing his mind, he figured he craved attention or affection. He blamed his parents for that. He just couldn't seem to find a balance between the neglect of his mother and abuse from his father. He longed for balance and found it in Cory. His family, his friends, and even Cory himself were his definition of perfect, everything he's ever wanted. Cory was perfect, to Shawn at least. He knew it was only a matter of time before everyone else started to figure it out. And when it happened, Shawn wasn't surprised. Topanga was intelligent, beautiful, kind and Shawn just wasn't, he understood that. He was great at understanding, just not accepting. He wasn't anything like her which he used to be thankful for. It was low but he’d think daily of how it would be to trade places but even Shawn wouldn't wish that upon anybody. It was a nice thought, though.  
A ringtone pierced through the silence. The vibration of his cell phone rattled against the floor which finally pulled him from his thoughts.  
His eyes widened upon reading the name, sharply sucking in a breath.  
"Cory?" His voice wavered. There was a rattling noise on the other end Shawn couldn't quite make out.  
"Shawn, you okay?" Immediately Shawn sobered up more than he had been trying all morning. He knew how much Cory hated Shawn drinking and how Cory knew exactly what drunk Shawn sounded like. He managed a weak 'yeah' and prepared to explain himself before Cory continued.  
"Sorry I missed your call, it was really late and Topanga was over and," Shawn could almost hear Cory's cheeks redden at the comment as he backtracked. "Well, uh...We fell asleep really early, y'know..."  
"It's okay, Cor, I get it," Shawn let out a soft laugh, catching himself. They shared a brief silence until the anxious feeling returned upon realization.  
"Wait, what...what do you mean? I didn't call you last night," His tone was playful but leaked worry.  
"What do you mean? You called last night at like, one or something, actually three times. I just thought it was a butt dial so I just kept, uh, sleeping." Shawn froze and prepared for his burst of anger but couldn't find it in himself to react.  
“Oh.” Shawn relaxed his shoulders he didn't realize were tense. He processed with a heavy heart, mind rattling with self-deprecation.  
"Is that the only reason? That you didn't pick up?" His voice was small and he curled into himself, hand over his mouth.  
"Well, yeah. You're okay though, right? Was it an accident?” Shawn finally let out a breath, running a hand through his hair.  
Every since meeting Cory, Shawn had always imagined confessing his feelings to him. There wasn't much numbness left from the alcohol, maybe this was it.  
“Shawnie?”  
“Ye-Yeah, was just an accident. I didn't mean to wake you guys up,” He let his voice trail off. Shawn couldn't help but slump his shoulders, his head feeling too heavy. They both sat in silence, neither knowing what to say but knowing it was cataclysmic.  
“You still up for Chubbies Friday?” Cory’s voice sliced through the silence. Shawn picked his head up.  
“I... I forgot.”  
“That's alright, Shawnie, I'll swing by and get you, okay? Wear something pretty.” A stifled laugh slipped through Shawn’s lips, a sad smile soon making its way onto his face. Slowly, he shook his head wondering how the hell he got here. He wondered if he could have been here earlier; years prior. If his life was supposed to hurt like this.  
“Yeah, I'll be there.”  
“Alright! It's a date.” Shawn's heart ached and he smiled to himself, eyesight beginning to blur. He wiped away the tears when they began to cascade. A fist punched the wooden floorboards in a furious and impulsive motion.  
“Bye Shawn.”  
“Wait. Cor?” He spoke without thinking, his entire being shaking with fear but also determination.  
“Yeah?”  
“I… I love you.” He slurred the words, not able to tell if they would come out right.  
“I love you, too, Shawnie. See you Friday!”  
Shawn was glued to the screen until the call ended and even a bit after that. He sat silent and blank-faced in weak light protruding through the curtains, forcing a chuckle. Running another hand through his hair, he stared at the bottles by the trash can, letting his eyes glaze over.


End file.
